Plumb Crazy

I live in my brother's condo, and he has a warranty contract with this company called ECM, which, judging by their customer service reps, stands for Extremely Crotchety and Menopausal. They offer a call before service so that anytime you install the wrong type of fluorescent bulb in your kitchen so that it flickers like a strobe light that makes you feel like you're going to have a seizure every time you cook dinner, they can notify you thirty minutes prior to sending a rep out to make you feel stupid.

I had to call them last week because my light was flickering, my brother thought the hot water heater was about to rupture and flood the house, and the toilet in the guest bathroom was rendered useless after the coat hanger jerry-rig my brother put together rusted out and I found the float ball bobbing around in the toilet tank like a dead body.

When I called to make an appointment, I used my work-phone voice, which means I projected a mirage of enthusiasm about making the call, as if I were calling to make an appointment with an old friend. The woman on the other end of the line sounded like her cat (and only friend) had died that morning, and didn't even attempt to feign interest in helping me, which I kind of respect her for. She said to make myself available for a four hour window between 8 and 12 on Monday morning, a time that I'm sure no normal person that works a 9-5 would ever agree to. I accepted so as not to make her day any worse.

This morning, I got out of the shower and checked my voicemail. A woman who sounded like she was calling from a boiler room in hell had left me a message saying that if I didn't call back within five minutes they were going to cancel my appointment. Frantically, I called customer service. It had been three minutes since she called, but I was waiting on hold due to high call volume. Did she include hold time in the five minutes, or was that five minutes gross? My mind raced with these thoughts, and just then, and old troll named Marla, with a gravelly voice that made it sound like she had been gargling martinis and smoking capris all night, answered the phone and asked how she could help me. "They told me that if I don't call within five minutes they are canceling my appointment!" I heard my phone beep, and put Marla on hold.

"ECM this is your call before," the demonic voice on the other end said.

"Yes I'm here. Is this for the plumber or the electrician?" They had told me they needed to send two people.

"Yes, this is for the water heater, the light, and the toilet," it said.

"Great, yes, I am here. Send them over," I said.

"You should let us know when you get a home phone number so that we don't have to keep calling you long distance," said the voice.

"Um, ok," I said, thinking for a moment that I should explain that I kept my Beverly Hills number because it makes me feel like a movie star.

Then it hung up. I switched lines and thanked Marla for her patience, assuring her that I was all set, so she could sleep tonight.

To their credit, ECM had one of the friendliest techs I've ever met. Or maybe he was just cheerful because he didn't really have to do anything except tell me things weren't broken. He told me I used the wrong bulb, the water heater wasn't actually leaking. He fixed my toilet within five minutes, afterward telling me that I "had my throne back."

At least I'm the king of something.