I found this weird lump on the back of my head a couple days ago, and just now I found a second one. Is it a cyst? Google says probably. I don’t know, but washing my hair will never be the same with this foreign bastard on the back of my head. I have another one on my ear that showed up uninvited a couple of months ago. I thought it was a zit or something, but it’s still just hanging out there like a bar fly, throwing off the once perfect symmetry of my right ear.
I feel like my head being taken over by cysts. Am I going to turn into a cyst face, lumpy and deformed, the kind of thing that kids point at in the grocery store so that their parents have to apologize? Are these lumps going to keep mutating and getting bigger and then hatch spiders? Am I going to start having all these health complications now that I’m in my late twenties? What’s next? I already get the same kind of lectures my mom used to give me about wearing sunscreen from coworkers because my nose is basically about to peel off from being sunburned over and over. I do wear sunscreen. I can’t help that my nose sticks out like the hand of a sun-dial, absorbing every bit of radiation.
I remember seeing this lady on TV years ago that had some kind of disorder, probably the kind I’m going to get with a nose like this. Her regular nose had been destroyed, so the doctors had given her a detachable one that would adhere to her face using a powerful magnet. I always thought that would be kind of cool to have. I could have a nose for every season. I could slap it up on the fridge when I got home from work. I could be a real life Mr. Potato head for my nieces and nephews.
If they get any bigger I will probably get these lumps checked out before they form an alliance and overthrow the government. Maybe I can get them surgically removed and donate them to science.
Until then, you can call me lumpy.
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