Armed Snobbery

I finally got a new car Monday, and it has turned me into one of those Palm Beach douche bags I resented so much when I was rolling around in my beloved Corolla (see I Brake for Nothing if you didn't catch the sarcasm.)

I was on my way to the gym after work, when I took one final look around the inside of my Corolla and decided that I had had enough. I turned around and headed to Earl Stewart Toyota, where I was schmoozed by an army of sales people who pretended to be my best friend. I'm the type of guy they drool over. I don't know much about cars, I didn't have anything specific in mind, and if the only thing left on the lot had been an El Camino with three tires, I probably would have driven it home instead of my old car.

After about four hours of paperwork and over-excited sales pitches, I drove away in my new Scion TC. Not to brag, but it is a pretty cool looking car when you're used to a wood paneled station wagon or a little green buggy that looks like it was attacked by an angry divorcee with a golf club.

Now that my ego has been inflated to the size of a blimp, I can accidentally make people hate me. Yesterday, we hired a new sales person - a fast talking little guy from New York - who I helped train on our database.

One of my coworkers, Brian, noticed that our neighbor had bought a newer sporty looking Kia that was parked a few cars down from mine.

"I guess he saw your new car and had to keep up," said Brian after coming inside from sucking down a Black & Mild.

"Yeah, but that things a #$*%&@ Kia!" I said. For whatever reason, I've always hated Kias. I think it's because I don't like the way the words "Kia Sephia" sound together.

Anyway, turns out the Kia didn't belong to our neighbor. It belonged to the new sales guy. The sales guy that was standing right next to me when I said that.

This morning, Brian pulled me aside and told me. I feel like one of those white trash people that won the lottery. Before I know it, I'm going to be one of those monsters who wrinkle their nose at the servers in restaurants that don't offer Perrier. Please pray for me. I need all the help I can get.